Recently I have been juggling thoughts about what I really want to do, or accomplish in life. It has bummed me so much that I end up wallowing in sorrow for the past couple of days—crying to sleep and waking up feeling so useless and lost. Well, actually the last bit was just the other night and yesterday morning. And to think I was excited to make this entry.
In the middle of writing this, I realized that I am actually more of a dreamer. I dream of doing so many things. I dream of having my own clubhouse for kids, open up an ukulele shop with a cafe that has a bookshelf as a wall and a reading corner, take part in musical theatre, dance tap and ballet, learn the art of cooking and bartending, do calligraphy, do web dev and programming again, teach humanities and music education in college and so on. Because of these many things I wish to do, I get confused, and my goals get all muddled up.
Although I am still so unsure of what I want to do, there are a few immediate goals that I do want to accomplish as soon as possible:
1. Graduate in Early Childhood Education. All the while taking piano lessons & voice. (Optional: dance lessons on ballet & tap). This is my way of venting my frustrations on participating in musical theatre.
3. Take MA in Child Psychology or MM in Music Education in UST. Even though I want to have the kids’ clubhouse I would also like the option of teaching Music Education in college.
Those top 3 are my priorities at the moment. I don’t even know when I could or IF I could do them. I think that’s what depresses and dreads me the most—why I was so bothered this whole time thinking about all of this. It was because I was scared, scared that I won’t be able to accomplish them and end up miserable in life.
Currently the feeling of unsettledness is creeping into me, and my self-esteem is plummeting fast and hard. Is it because it’s that time of the year? It was the same last year and the years before that, ever since 2009, the year when I was SUPPOSED to graduate. I usually don’t get depressed because I know life is not a race, and it’s never too late, but the past few days has just not been kind to me. No, nothing happened to me exactly, it is more like an internal battle going on inside me.
But there’s no point dwelling on that really.
For now, I will leave you with that short list of goals and maybe I shall revisit and update it when I have thoroughly thought things through and actually prayed about it.