As I settle comfortably in this new-ish co-working space in the city, I browsed through my Twitter feed and just updated myself with the recent happenings in the lives of the people I follow there. As I went further down my feed, a name suddenly popped into my head and I typed it in the search bar. Her Twitter name popped and I clicked it, revealing her feed; a mix of recent books read and reviewed on Goodreads, a few links here and there, including her blog entries from months ago, and some thoughts on the people she used to follow on Tumblr. I clicked on the links to her blog entry and just started reading. I browsed through her blog for other entries and found a few, relatively recent ones. Reading through them was a bit nostalgic. I used to follow her years ago, and she followed my blog as well. I also thought, man, she never changed. And I mean that in a good way. She’s always had a way with words. Her writing always sounded so sophisticated, and her choice of words was impeccable and perfectly reflects her personality. That was one of the things I admired about her, other than her unique and distinct taste in all things, that people may label as being ‘hipster’.
She seemed to be living a good life. That’s nice. That’s good. Good for her.
And then, I wondered then what happened to us? We weren’t the closest of friends, but what happened?
Well, I know somehow what happened, but a part of me doesn’t want to accept it because partly it was my fault that we don’t talk anymore. I was too consumed with my insecurity and naivete. And you, I don’t know what you were thinking, and I never asked. All I could think of was that you hated how I seemed like a copycat to you. I never intended to be one, I was too naive of so many things then, and I got excited over things that people like as well. Is that being a copycat? Is that something people should take against me? It bothered me so much for a year or so until I completely outgrew the issue and moved on.
I’m still that person. I still get excited over things that my friends get excited about. I don’t intend to be a copycat. I don’t intend to be competitive over it. I just like a lot of things, and easily get excited over it. Is that wrong? Is that something I need to change?
Over the years I’ve struggled with those issues, not wanting to be a copycat, not wanting to be competitive, and it doesn’t help that I always had poor self-esteem. I always felt other people were better, and that people had it better.
It’s only recently when I moved back to my hometown that I’ve somehow started being okay with myself. I learned to accept all the things that I’ve gone through, and that all those experiences were essential to my growth. I also started creating things for myself, exploring more interests, and exposing myself to different things.
Although, sometimes, though I hate to admit, I look back at those memories and wince in embarrassment. Yeah, I get embarrassed by my past self, sometimes. I think we all do. But I accept that person because that person is part of me. The ME, now.
I am okay. I am me. There’s so much room for improvement, but I accept who I am. I am continuously growing, taking each struggle in my life right now as a learning experience.
Huh. This is funny. Because when I was starting this entry, I wanted it to be about my nostalgia on writing blog entries excessively years ago, without caring at all about what people think, and now it became, that.
Well, this is a new start of me writing blog entries again. Very personal ones, that is, and not caring what people think (okay, maybe a little). BUT, if anything, this was nice. I feel good; having written all those down.
Those memories are from years ago, and I never really addressed it, and now, I am slowly facing them.
Finally, I can let them go without bitterness.
One by one.